Now, I know I’m being super-evangelical about my yoga/meditation practice, but that’s because slowly, super-slowly, it’s breaking down some really old patterns that have been stuck in a relentless groove, shaking them up and presenting me with new, sometimes freakin’ scary, options to try, the most significant one I guess right now, is to trust myself, to trust my heart.
Thing is, I’ve never been altogether big on the whole trust thing.
My parents were both incredibly spectacular at making huge promises and never ‘quite’ following through, so I learned from an early age that the only person I could really trust was myself.
Except as a kid, I didn’t know what that actually really meant.
I thought it meant that I had to, y’know, get shit done. If I wanted anything in life, I had to make it happen. Which to a certain extent it did, and I have, but recently, I’ve realised that it means so much more than that.
For the first time since…well, forever, I’ve started feeling what it actually feels like to be in this body o’ mine and actually listening. I’ve heard when it needs sleep, I’ve heard what food it needs, and I’ve also heard it loud and clear when I’ve filled it with food it didn’t like, I’ve had my contraception implant removed so I can hear what my body is REALLY saying about the endometriosis and to know what having a natural moon-led cycle really feels like – I haven’t entirely liked what my body has said and how it’s made me feel, but I’ve listened. I’m not saying I’ve got this shit figured out, far, far from it, and I have to say, stepping into my SASSY, goddess-girl power doesn’t look how I’d entirely expected. I thought I’d be like freakin’ Wonderwoman, strong and in control, except right now, I feel…raw and really freakin’ vulnerable.
Yesterday, before yoga class, I felt all kinds o’ resistance, mainly because each time I get on that mat, another piece o’ the onion is peeled back, and I’m exposed. Yet I HAVE to trust that process, and that? Well that’s ever so slightly fucking scary. I have to trust that everything I knew to be intrinsically me, is being turned upside down and inside out, and that’s okay, I have to let that goddess-girl-SASSY power flow into all my deep dark places, and if the tears come, which they inevitably do, I have to let them. I have to let them flow like a river carving out new paths for new beautiful beliefs and thoughts to be formed – truths. The real, from the heart, juicy truth stuff.
Our yoga teacher, who is gorgeous, big-hearted and incredibly bendy-wendy, at the beginning of each session, tells us to be in our soft body, the place where you melt smoothly into moves and are open to receive – this place is raw, it is vulnerable, but it’s where the real magick happens – it’s where your heart gets to speak it’s absolute truth. So, I’m currently in my soft body, I’m listening and I’m trusting…
Did I mention it’s fucking scary?